By Dr Gabriele Lang 

I keep hearing the phrase, “I don’t have any conflicts.” Yet this is usually followed by a tirade about someone who is incredibly annoying. If we are all supposedly conflict-free, why do so many people reach their limits as soon as they work with others? Why do people who enjoy their work still find themselves worn down by constant cooperation struggles?

The cosy approach has its limits

I used to be convinced that when a problem arises, you sit down together, pull together and find a solution. Compromise and consensus were a matter of course for me, and objectivity and solution-oriented thinking always took precedence over emotional games and outbursts. Of course, you stick to agreements — the rules of the game — that goes without saying.

Until life brought me people who played by different rules. People who did not think about pursuing a common goal. People who lacked empathy, who focused only on their own interests. I had to learn their communication styles and behaviours, because they were entirely unfamiliar to me.

The reality is: some people do not want to find a common solution, even when it is necessary for the project or the greater good.

What to do when cooperation is refused?

The truth is, I cannot change other people against their will. Of course, if I am hierarchically superior, I might be able to force someone — but at what cost? Coercion weakens commitment and motivation in the long term.

If I have no hierarchical power and the project is unimportant to me, I can simply walk away. But when the project is important, the refusal to cooperate quickly creates a feeling of powerlessness. Agreements are ignored, tasks remain unfinished, or I am simply ghosted.

When letting go is not an option

In these moments, commitment is key. It is about standing up for something that matters. And yes, it is about fighting. I had to learn that fighting is not reprehensible — it is sometimes necessary to transform powerlessness into the ability to act.

The crucial point: fighting from the adult self, acting objectively and strategically, not in blind rage.

The decisive moment: when pressure outweighs fear

The ability to act begins when the pain of remaining the same becomes stronger than the fear of change or confrontation.

This requires clarity: Am I prepared to commit to this issue? How important is it for me to fight for it? It also requires psychological tools. Even in conflict, I should not step into the ring unprotected.

Resilience is not a luxury, but a necessity

Knowing your own triggers helps you stay calm and stable, even when the other person provokes or demeans you. Many coachees report insults, sharp remarks and subtle devaluations. This is exactly where inner work is essential.

The key is to remain calm, to act from the adult ego, and not fall into childish reactions like sulking, defiance or tantrums. Fighting for the sake of fighting is pointless. But when change is necessary, I must act as a serious discussion partner — regardless of the behaviour of others.

Taking the fear out of conflict

Today, I am convinced that those who shy away from conflict lose creative freedom. Collaboration, resilience, the adult ego and creativity are not soft factors — they are crucial for constructive engagement.

This also means being prepared: some people fight unfairly, twist facts or become aggressive. With the right tools, we can prepare for this and protect ourselves psychologically.

Fighting to make collaboration possible

Our times are shaped by complex challenges — in private life, in organisations, and in politics. Overcoming them requires the ability to work together despite differences. Creativity and innovation are born from exactly this.

But collaboration can only succeed if courageous pioneers show how to remain composed in conflict and how to stand up for cooperation. This is worth fighting for.

Yes, I advocate compromise and consensus. But I know it is not enough to simply hope others will follow the rules. We must take a stand. Quietly getting upset behind closed doors does not change anything.

We need people who have the courage to step up, take a clear position, and defend the values that make cooperation possible. Then collaboration can become not just effective, but enjoyable — even on difficult topics.

Our contribution: enabling progress

At UP’N’CHANGE, we create space for effective collaboration even in conflict-laden situations. Our tools strengthen resilience, decision-making, and the ability to profitably implement innovative ideas.

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