UK employers spend £51 billion last year addressing poor mental health in their workforce. Meanwhile, over 900,000 workers suffered from work-related stress, depression, or anxiety.

These two facts sit uncomfortably alongside each other.

The investment is genuine. Organisations are providing meditation apps, resilience training, Employee Assistance Programmes, wellbeing days, and access to therapy. Many of these tools offer real support, and people use them.

And yet, the numbers keep rising.

So, what are we missing?

We’re Treating the Symptom, Not the Source

The way we currently frame workplace mental health assumes distress originates inside the individual. Someone is anxious. Someone is burned out. Someone is struggling to cope. The implicit question becomes: “What can we give this person to help them manage?”

This framing shapes where we invest. We give individuals tools to regulate themselves – breathwork techniques, mindfulness apps, exercise programmes. The hope is if people learn to manage their stress more effectively, the problem will reduce.

What this approach misses is where much of that stress actually forms: in the relational space between people.

The Relational Space: Where Stress Actually Lives

Human nervous systems are not solo actors. We are wired to tune into each other, constantly reading for signals of safety or threat. This happens below conscious awareness, in the micro-moments of tone, timing and presence between us.

When the relational space feels unsafe – when concerns go unspoken, when tone carries more threat than intention, when power dynamics mean someone swallows what needs to be said so the system can keep moving – our nervous systems respond. Not as a choice, as physiology.

This is what I call relational poverty: the erosion of connection that happens when people function from prolonged periods without relational safety, co-regulation, or repair.

Most workplace anxiety forms in moments when something important is left unsaid. Where difference becomes dangerous rather than generative. Where people withdraw, defend, or disconnect because staying present feels too costly.

No app changes that. Because the problem is not inside individuals alone – it lives between them.

Why Self-Regulation Alone Isn’t Enough

Self-regulation tools matter. They help people cope, and coping is important. The challenge is they treat the consequence rather than the condition.

People go off to regulate themselves – through breathwork, exercise, time away – and then return to the same relational environment. The unspoken tension is still there. The unresolved frustration remains. The lack of relational trust persists.

This is why stress feels chronic rather than temporary. Why anxiety hums in the background even when people are “managing it well.” The relational conditions that sustain survival state remain unchanged.

Regulation is not meant to happen in isolation. Infants learn to regulate through another nervous system offering safety. Adults recover from stress through co-regulation – the experience of being with someone who can stay present when we are struggling.

When we forget this, we make a fundamental error: We locate the problem inside the individual, rather than attending to the relational space that shapes how people experience safety, threat, and connection.

What This Means for Leaders

If you are leading people, the quality of the relational space matters more than the tools you provide.

This is not about being nice. It is about recognising that wellbeing is created between people, not inside them alone.

Noticing the relational signals, not just the performance metrics: When people stop speaking up, when conversations tighten, when difference starts to feel dangerous – these are early indicators of relational drift. They show up long before someone goes off sick or hands in their notice.

Ask yourself:

• “Are people haring each other, or defending their position?”
• “Can we navigate difference effectively, or are we silently doing our own thing?”
• “Do we repair after relational ruptures, or do tensions accumulate in the background?”

Consider what happens when pressure rises.

Stress is not just an internal load. It shapes the relational space. When you are under pressure, your nervous system becomes a reference point for others. If you tighten, the room tightens. If you stay present, others can think more clearly.

Reflect on:

• “What happens in me when pressure increases?”
• “How do I help people with stress?”
• “What space am I creating for others to think, speak and contribute?”

Re-orient from coping to connection – instead of asking “How do I help people cope with stress?” consider asking “What happens between us that creates, sustains, or alleviates stress?”

This shifts attention from individual deficit to relational responsibility. It recognises that people think better in safety, that collaboration emerges from trust, and that wellbeing depends on co-regulation, not self-regulation alone.

A Different Investment

£51 billion is a significant commitment. It reflects genuine care for people’s wellbeing.

The question is not whether to invest, rather where to direct the investment.

What if, alongside the apps and programmes, we invested in building relational capacity – the ability to stay present, curious, and open, especially when it is relationally hard?

Because wellbeing is not something people create by themselves. It is something that happens between us.

Pre-order Beyond Words: How to Lead People from Survival to Success on Amazon – Beyond Words: How to lead people from survival to success: Amazon.co.uk: Kerry-Lyn Stanton-Downes: 9781918215137: Books