In this interview, Jola, a professional relationship coach, shares her insights on communication, intimacy, and building a successful long-term relationship. She discusses the challenges that many couples face, such as maintaining intimacy over the long term and feeling unsupported and unappreciated by their partners.
Jola provides practical advice for overcoming these challenges and building a strong emotional bond with your partner. Additionally, she shares her thoughts on how technology and social media have impacted relationships and how to avoid the misinformation that is often found online.
Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been with your partner for years, this interview offers valuable insights and practical advice for building a successful and fulfilling long-term relationship.
Communication is everything in the relationship. Without good communication between spouses, there is no relationship. But also, a specific way of communicating is necessary, which is not the same as we use at work. Our spouse is not our employee; therefore, a completely different set of skills is necessary.— Jola Cruise
What is a time you were tested as a coach?
During my coaching experience with a client, I was faced with the challenge of helping a woman who has been living like a roommate with her husband for ten years. Although they have a cordial relationship and are raising their children together, they have completely lost the physical intimacy they once shared.
As we delved deeper into the root causes of their disconnection, I realized that my role as a coach is not to force her to be intimate with her husband. Rather, it is to help her create mutual respect, and discover and embrace her own sexuality and desires. Through our work together, she learned that her own sexual attraction and turn-on were not dependent on her husband’s actions, but rather something she could cultivate within herself and by focusing on the things she is grateful about her husband vs. critical.
As her coach, I keep supporting her on a transformative journey of self-discovery and growth, helping her gain the confidence and tools to reignite the passion in her marriage. The decision to be intimate with her husband again is ultimately hers to make and only when she feels ready to do so.
What has been the most pivotal point in your own relationships? What have your relationships taught you about communication?
The most pivotal point in my relationship was when our six-year-old son came up and stood in between us during yet another heated argument. With tears in his eyes, he screamed: “Guys, just stop fighting!”
It was then that I realized how much our behaviour was affecting our children and the kind of example we were setting for them. I knew that something needed to change, and fast. It was a turning point for me, and I made the decision to take action. I was determined to find the resources to fix our relationship and become the kind of parents that our kids deserved. That’s when I discovered Laura Doyle and her coaching program, which proved to be incredibly effective. Today, I share those same skills with other women in similar situations, and I’m proud to say that my husband and I are happier than ever before, setting a positive example for our children every day.
What have your relationships taught you about communication?
Communication is an essential ingredient in any successful relationship. However, it’s important to recognize that the way we communicate with our partner is different from how we communicate at work or with friends. Effective communication with a spouse requires a specific set of skills that focuses on empathy, listening, and understanding.
For instance, there was a client who was a successful businesswoman who excelled in managing her company and meeting deadlines. However, her attempts to manage her husband in the same way fell short and often led to conflict. This is because our partners are not our employees and require a different approach.
A more effective way of communicating with a spouse is to adopt a more feminine approach that focuses on respect, expressing desires, focusing on what we can control and what we should let go of. By doing so, we create an environment of trust and safety where both partners feel heard and understood, leading to a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Amongst many, what is the most common issue your female clients have approached you with?
The most frequent issue that women come to me with is feeling overwhelmed and unsupported in their marriages. Many of them believe that their husbands are not capable of helping or that they behave like another child in the house. They feel isolated despite being married and are carrying the burden of the household on their own.
As a coach, my role is to help these women see their part in the situation and understand how they may inadvertently be contributing to it. This is a common challenge that I work with my clients to address, and the solutions can be surprisingly simple. By learning to communicate effectively and make small changes to their approach, women can begin to feel more appreciated, desired, and fulfilled in their relationships.
Do you believe in any strategy that has helped you develop longevity in yours and your clients’ relationships?
When it comes to having a happy marriage, there is a strategy that can be applied. However, the traditional teachings we receive from school, family, and society may not always be the best approaches. I speak from personal experience, as I didn’t have good examples to follow in my own marriage until I learned specific strategies, skills, and tools to apply.
What I’ve found is that many of the strategies that truly work can be counterintuitive, and they often don’t align with the standard advice we hear, such as “set boundaries” or “marriage is 50/50.” The key to a happy marriage is actually to own your part 100%, rather than splitting things down the middle. When you take responsibility for your actions and emotions, it can have a transformative effect on your relationship and your partner’s response to you.
This approach is about learning how to communicate effectively, learn how to express your own needs and desires in a such a way that your partner would be delighted to support you, as well as how to work through conflicts in a way that strengthens your connection rather than tearing it apart. By focusing on owning your part and applying specific strategies, it’s possible to build a happy and fulfilling marriage, even if you didn’t have good examples to follow in the past.
What is the most important element specifically for preserving the sacred and emotional bond between two people in love over the long-term?
Respect is an essential component of any healthy relationship, especially for men. When a man feels disrespected, it can negatively impact his desire for intimacy. Similarly, women may not feel inclined to connect physically if they don’t feel heard and seen. Over time, this gap can widen, causing the marriage to falter and ultimately fail.
As a relationship coach, my approach is to help address any resentments and misunderstandings, and work towards rebuilding mutual respect. Specifically, I work with women to develop skills that will make them more attractive and magnetic to their partners, helping them feel appreciated for their feminine beauty and unique qualities. By addressing these issues, couples can improve their connection and strengthen their relationship.
How do you address insecurity amongst others of your clients’ needs?
Insecurity is a personal issue that can significantly affect relationships, particularly for women who often struggle with insecurity, especially in relationships that are not thriving.
It can be a vicious cycle, as their insecurity can impact the health of the relationship, and a struggling relationship can exacerbate their insecurities. As a coach, my first priority is to work with my clients to build their confidence and help them feel more secure in themselves.
By prioritizing confidence-building exercises, my clients can experience a shift in their relationship. As they feel more secure and self-assured, they become more attractive to their partners, creating a positive feedback loop where their newfound confidence helps the relationship thrive. Ultimately, this approach can help women become more magnetic and vibrant, leading to a happier and healthier relationship for both partners.
How would you advise a young couple in a relationship, and what is unique about young romance in your expert opinion?
For young couples, it’s crucial to maintain a sense of individual identity, even in a committed relationship. In my experience, couples who prioritize their own lives and interests are often happier and more fulfilled than those who become too enmeshed in their partner’s world.
Additionally, it’s important not to view the other person as the key to our happiness and fulfilment. The healthiest relationships are built on two individuals who are already happy and fulfilled, coming together to share their lives and experiences. By focusing on our own happiness and fulfilment first, we can create a strong foundation for a thriving partnership.
However, it’s also important to recognize that many people come into relationships with the desire to heal each other. While this can be a positive thing, it’s essential to have the necessary skills and tools to support one another effectively. Rather than dwelling in our own wounds, we should work to develop healthy communication and coping mechanisms that will enable us to be the best possible partner to our loved ones.
Do you believe that in today’s information and technology era, people are vulnerable to misinformation by online sources? What sources do you respect the most online?
Yes, it’s true that there is a lot of misinformation circulating out there regarding relationships, with some counselors and coaches offering advice even when their own relationships are falling apart. Additionally, social media platforms often propagate the idea of leaving a relationship at the smallest mistake or misconception, without exploring the root of the problem and how to address it.
In my opinion, it’s essential to seek out trusted sources of information when it comes to relationship advice. Laura Doyle and Alison Armstrong are two such sources that I highly recommend to my clients. They provide guidance on how to save relationships, see each other in a different light, forgive each other, and cultivate a more harmonious partnership in alignment with the natural flow of life.
I have found their teachings to be incredibly powerful, and they have helped many of my clients transform their relationships for the better. I often incorporate their principles into my coaching practice as I believe that they can have a profound and positive impact on people’s lives. Ultimately, the goal of any relationship should be to foster growth, connection, and mutual happiness, and with the right information and guidance, this is achievable.
What is the proudest and most successful outcome as a professional relationship coach?
As a coach, one of my proudest achievements was helping a couple who had been married for 18 years but had only been intimate for the first three. After the husband fell ill, they stopped being intimate for the next 15 years and their relationship had become distant and disconnected.
When the wife came to me for coaching, her primary goal was to reduce arguments and create a more peaceful home environment. However, as we began to work together and she implemented the skills I taught her, remarkable changes began to occur. They stopped fighting, and her husband started buying her gifts, which led to them becoming intimate once again. Despite his illness, he was drawn back to her as she became more magnetic and pleasurable.
Witnessing this transformation was incredibly rewarding for me as a coach. Not only did I help the couple rekindle their physical relationship, but I also helped them improve their emotional connection and reignite the spark in their marriage. It was a powerful reminder of the positive impact that coaching can have on people’s lives, and it motivates me to continue helping others achieve their relationship goals.