With the holidays upon us, people are feeling the stress that comes with a season of giving and gathering with family and friends who might be difficult to be around. We know that these events are coming, and we tend to enter the room in the same way we always do. It may be that you’re scared, fearful, nervous, and maybe even terrified to show up at these events. This is amped up considerably if your parents or other family members are toxic or narcissistic. That brings on a whole other level of fear.
Let’s face it, if we are nervous about gathering with family, there are good reasons for that. Perhaps you get criticized, belittled, or even ignored. Maybe your uncle always gets drunk and inappropriate, or your sister always picks a fight with you. Families can present any number of difficult scenarios that bring on the drama and make you not want to attend these events. If not going isn’t an option for you, here are five things you can do to help you out with these difficult situations.
Make a plan to leave. It’s always good to have a plan to leave the party or the home if you need to. If you are staying at a difficult family member’s house, you will need to think ahead about where else you can stay if you need to. Perhaps you have a friend you can rely on or a local hotel where you can make a reservation that you can cancel with 24 hours’ notice. Ask your friend ahead of time if you can come over for a visit or spend the night. Be prepared for what to do so you’re not wandering around upset and looking for a place to go. Create safety for yourself by planning to make sure you have a place to go.
Don’t engage when you’re set up for an argument. Toxic family members, especially narcissistic ones, will bait you into an argument just for sport. They are looking to take your energy to keep you in a weakened state because, that way, you are easier to control. This twisted game feeds them so that you feel depleted. If they are a narcissist, there will never be any resolution to the one-sided argument. They have already decided they are right and you’re wrong. In perpetuity.
Begin to notice how they set up arguments for you and don’t take the bait. Once you open your eyes to the bait game, you will be hyper-aware of what they have been doing all along. Your best friend at these moments is silence. Wielding silence intentionally to wait and see what they do is a powerful act. It is not easy to do the first time, and it may escalate but usually, they do not know what to say when you aren’t acting according to the script they have in mind to get you upset.
The act of not engaging is a way for you to take your power back. This isn’t for you to dominate and control them, it is a way for you to stop a cycle that has been draining you emotionally, mentally, energetically, and physically. If you need to walk away in silence, this can work as well. Try it but make sure you’re standing in a place of strength. If you are not, any weakness can be seen as a way into your energy field that the narcissistic or toxic person is looking for.
Notice the emotional energy coming your way and don’t take it on as your own. Toxic family members often say one thing and do something else. This leaves you confused. Begin to notice what emotion is behind what they are saying. For example, your toxic parent says, “You look lovely today, dear. Where did you get that dress?” A statement like that may seem innocent to most people but it’s the emotional energy with which a toxic person says something that matters. This person may be saying it with a ton of jealousy and envy behind it or it may be backed with anger or rage. Paying attention to the emotion that drives their response can be potentially powerful for you.
Emotional abuse, simply put, is the use of emotions to abuse someone. Noticing the emotion that is driving their words and actions can help you – especially if you have high levels of empathy and sensitivity. The driving emotion can be one more indicator to not engage with the person who seems like they are being nice but they are being awful. You can then track your emotional response (likely anger and irritation) and work through that. It’s the only thing you have dominion over after all . . . you.
Do breathing exercises. Deep breathing has been shown to calm the nervous system and thus, your emotions. I recommend that you remove yourself from the party to a private room like the bathroom to take at least three deep breaths, in through the nose, and out through the mouth. This is called a cleansing breath.
Another thing you can try to calm your nervous system with is tapping your thymus gland. This gland is located high on your chest between your heart and throat. When you tap this area repeatedly with your fingers, it can calm you down. When you combine both deep cleansing breaths while tapping your thymus gland, it can calm you down even faster.
Focus on the joy in the room. This is my favourite directive. When you refocus your attention from your loud and critical grandfather being awful to your mom and choose to focus on someone or something joyful, it can help so much. What you focus on, you get more of. So, bring your attention to a child staring at the Christmas tree or the cat playing with ribbons on a package.
Be mindful of the good going on at family events. When there is a lot of drama, this can be difficult to do. It may have never occurred to you to think of this, but it truly helps to redirect your attention to the emotions of joy, creativity, playfulness, and fun. You can also be the one to create these healing emotions at the party.
Toxic and narcissistic family systems are complicated. There’s no simple answer for what to do when things get tough when you attend family events. I often tell my clients to think of heading to family gatherings as a workshop to help them see how far they’ve come and to track what they need to work on next. Become aware of your emotions. They will lead the way.
Holistic health expert, Dr. Meg Haworth helps wounded ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists & toxic parents) to become healed ICONs (Independent, Confident, Original & Naturally YOU) in her ICONIC ME coaching program, The Toxic Parent Recovery Summit, online courses, and her YouTube Channel. You can reach out to her at www.meghaworth.com
